Life's Roles

One assumes a great variety of roles while trudging along the path of life.  These roles are assigned or taken on within our families, church, community and occupations.  Some roles, like being the youngest sibling or a grandparent are pleasant; while others, like being an expulsion officer or the complaint department for a public school district, can be arduous.   Among my most favorite roles were forest service fire lookout, public school teacher, software programmer, father and husband.  My least favorite  would include milking cows in the winter, factory work on the graveyard shift, and being a husband during a quarrel with a very articulate wife.

It is amazing how our roles define us and to a large measure influence the stress and level of happiness or sadness we experience.  Kristie's Alzheimer's has provided me with an opportunity to become a caregiver.  I applaud those who voluntarily choose to be caregivers and hope that I can assimilate some of their enthusiasm and dedication while striving to maximize the well-being of my wife.  

The following link => http://www.caregiverresource.net/radio_programs  is to an interview that I gave on Male Caregiving - it's episode 21 for anyone who is interested.  Somehow I seriously doubt this topic will become an Internet sensation.

I have also posted my views on how my faith has influenced my perspective on taking care of my wife at => http://mormon.org/me/8F0Q/Wayne/. What a remarkable difference it makes when one believes in a pre-earthly existence and the eternal nature of families and marriage - especially when confronted with severe disappointments in life.  Rather than feeling like a victim and either giving up or being overwhelmed with depression, these beliefs provide motivation to maintain and improve vital marital and family relationships that will exist and only come to full fruition after this life.

I take great courage from my own father's description of the spirit world.  He had a near death experience shortly before he died - only three weeks before he would have turned 100.  Among the things that impressed him most were how beautiful the women were there.  It made quite an impression on him because it wasn't his nature to comment on something like that.  This has given me pause to consider my wife in that realm and to want to be worthy of her love and trust.  I consider my care giving here to actually be courting for her there. 

Our Arranged Marriage

Why do people today have such an aversion to arranged marriages and think they are so outdated and medieval?  I feel that Kristie and I have done quite nicely with ours.  And it's not like we come from families with a long held and proud tradition of arranged marriages.  Well, at least not other than my mother's great grandparents, Samuel and Emma Adams who seemed very happy with theirs.  

Samuel and Emma were early converts to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) in England.  This is how their marriage was arranged as written by Eleanor Hall in her 1970 history of their lives.  

After jumping his apprenticeship, great grandfather Adams was anxious to emigrate to America.  Leaving an apprenticeship without finishing the term was a serious offense in England, and now he was on the list of the 'wanted'.  He gathered with the 'Saints' at Liverpool and let it be known that he was a candidate for the first perpetual emigration ship that arrangements could be made for him to sail on. 

Among the members of the Branch at Liverpool, and also awaiting emigration opportunity, was the beautiful and proud Emma Jackson, from Milnthrope, Westmoreland, England.  Samuel was in the office of the president of the Branch and receiving the information that an emigrant ship was near ready to leave the port.  He was told that his chances would be better for gaining passage if he was a married man.  He was asked if he was attracted to any of the branch members.  He told of his infatuation for Emma Jackson.

The president said, "She always passes here on her way home from work.  She should be coming by in a few minutes, you can ask her now."  When Emma showed up a few minutes later, she was called into the office by the president.  A proposal was made, a marriage performed, and the young couple took berth on the ship Ellen Maria that night.  It was February 5, 1852.

There are some similarities, but numerous differences for how Kristie and I were setup by forces other than our own.  To my knowledge I wasn't on any 'wanted' lists nor was I trying to emigrate, so ours was more along the lines of your traditional arranged marriage.  I had just returned to BYU to complete my senior year of college and received a telephone call that I was scheduled for an interview with the Bishop of my BYU Ward the following night.  Mind you, this is a man I had never met before.

Upon arriving for my appointment, Bishop Nance invited me into his office and introduced me to one Kristie Neilson, from Rupert, Minidoka, Idaho, and extended the call to us to be the "parents" of a BYU family home evening group, with the responsibility to provide leadership for approximately 20 college age students who were to meet together for family prayers and a weekly family home evening activities.  In typical Mormon fashion we accepted this calling, the following Sunday we were publicly sustain in Sacrament meeting, and we began serving as parents.

 

Because there is a lay ministry every good member of the LDS Church knows how callings and  their inevitable releases are made.  This is done publicly, over the podium in Sacrament meeting by what we call common consent so members have the opportunity to approve or not when individuals receive a calling, and so everyone is made aware and can show appreciate when they are released.  There is no expectation that someone will serve in a church callings until they "die with their boots on" as they say; with the possible exception of an Apostle or possibly a patriarch.

What is important to understand and so unusual about our callings was what happened (or maybe it would be more accurate to say what didn't happen) at the end of the school year.  They never released Kristie and me from being family parents.  Think about that.  What would you do?  We took our callings very seriously and realized that not being released could be a problem.  Fortunately, our church also believes in and performs eternal marriages.  Just to make certain everything was copacetic with both God and man, Kristie and I applied for and availed ourselves of this ordinance.  We expect to fulfill our calling as arranged by Bishop Nance to the best of our ability even after we die with our boots on.

The Long Goodbye

I consider Alzheimer's to be the long goodbye because it is a prolonged process whereby a loved one very slowly fades away; ultimately becoming merely a cipher or a shadow of his/her former self.  It seems that after going through many years of a very gradual but constant decline, loved ones would be prepared for almost any eventuality.  At least that is what I was feeling.  It wasn't like Kristie and I hadn't had plenty of time to take our leave of each other, and really - how much more can someone grieve after all; or so you would think.

I was, however, shocked and absolutely unprepared for Kristie's seizures two weeks ago.  I write this in the hope that it will help relieve some of the absolute helplessness and loss that overwhelmed me.  During the first seizure, Kristie fell backwards on a wood floor; fracturing both of her shoulders.  I will spare those reading this the gory details, but it wasn't a pretty sight as she struggled to breathe.  Three hours later she suffered a second and longer seizure while in the hospital emergency ward and was unconscious for 16 hours.

The good news is that she seems to be recovering quite well and while she has lost the ability to walk Kristie actually appears to be more sanguine and at peace with her situation.  This is in stark contrast to the constant anxiety that required her to pace almost constantly for the past 7 months.

I recently posted pictures of Kristie on my Facebook page because in situations like this, one returns to the feelings and memories of the forces that drew a couple together.  I hope in the next couple of weeks to recount the two different versions of how we met and married.  One version is of our arranged marriage and the other is a little known story of Kristie and I being attracted to Ann and Jim Little (who I need to clarify are brother and sister, and not husband and wife).