Who Is This Woman?

The following link => photographs of Kristie provides a chronological view of Kristie's life.  You would think that after four decades of knowing Kristie and living with her for the last 39 years as her husband that I would be well acquainted with who she is and have some concept of her identity.  There are events and concepts, however, that have caused me to look at Kristie and what has occurred in her life in a new light and wonder, "who is this woman?"

This new perception or viewpoint has to do with what is termed "the mysteries of the kingdom".  I concur with Carlfred Broderick's assertion that, "I think we do not understand the nature of ourselves.  I think we do not understand who we are.  Some people call the temple ordinances the 'mysteries' of the kingdom.  When I went to the temple, I thought I was going to learn which star was Kolob, where the Ten Tribes were, and other such information.  But those aren't the mysteries of the kingdom; the mysteries of the kingdom are who we are, and who God is, and what our relationship to Him is.  Those are the mysteries of the kingdom.  You can tell somebody in plain English, but they still don't know in their hearts who they really are."

So it is with Kristie.  My new perspective and respect for her are rooted in the unique LDS tenets that - First, we all lived with a loving Heavenly Father as His spirit children prior to this earth life; Second, we were each endowed with free will and were empowered to use it in the preexistence realm; Third, God respects our agency and does not work by force; Fourth, adversity is essential to our eternal progression because without an opposition in all things, righteousness cannot be brought to pass; and Fifth, marriage and family bonds can be eternal and bring their greatest joy after this life.  These fundamental beliefs have caused me to wonder "who is this woman to whom I am sealed; that in the preexistence she would willingly choose or acquiesce to come to earth knowing that it was her mission to experience sexual abuse as a child and now Alzheimer's - but bravely volunteering nevertheless to endure such?"  

President Joseph F. Smith stated, "He that sent His Only Begotten Son into the world to accomplish the mission which He did, also sent every soul within the sound of my voice, and indeed every man and woman in the world, to accomplish a mission."  While I am aware of Kristie's shortcomings and realize that she was far from perfect, it is being to dawn on me that perhaps I have greatly under-estimated the woman who I married and the significance of her mission on earth.  She has been a remarkable example of unconditional love and how to use humor to ease the troubles and burdens of life.  I marvel at how trusting she has been of me as Alzheimer's has diminished her vitality and acumen.  I only hope that I am as trusting of the Lord and consider the effort to care for her more of an honor than a burden.

Our "Little" Courtship - The Reel Story

The forces that drew Kristie and me together really began more than 60 years ago with two people we have never met - Jim and Phyllis Little.  It was about 1950 that they dated and eventually married while attending BYU.  I am not certain whether it is factual or simply hearsay that she was the homecoming queen and he was the most preferred man, but this much I do know - their children were remarkably good looking.  In the spring of 1972 I was impressed with their daughter Ann and asked her to attend a performance on campus.  I got the feeling that she was either shy or not interested in me.  However, at the end of the school year, she approached me and explained she had an older brother, Jim, who would be returning from his mission during the summer and she wondered if he could room with me in the fall, to which I agreed.

I returned to BYU in the fall of 1972 after spending my fourth summer working for the U.S. Forest Service as a fire lookout in the Blue Mountains of Oregon.  It was convenient living right across the street from campus by the BYU tennis courts.  I remember we often listened to Neil Young's "Harvest" album on our roommate Jerry Hatfield's new stereo system.  Jim Little turned out to be a great roommate, but it was evident that he was just off his mission and still adjusting to civilian life.  On Sunday we attended our new student Ward in the old BYU alumni building.

Did I mention that Jim and Phyllis Little had good looking children?  Well, this fact was not wasted on one Kristie Neilson.  She was so impressed that first Sunday that she asked her roommate, Debbie, who was the Relief Society President in our student ward (and would marry my roommate Jerry before the beginning of the winter semester) to make certain their apartment was assigned to the same Family Home Evening Group as Jim Little.  It is rather amazing how Ann and Jim Little would be the catalysts for Kristie and I to become acquainted.  

The Bishop of our student ward also deserves some credit because he was the one who actually arranged for us to meet by calling us to serve as family group parents for time and, as it turned out, all eternity - the details of which are included in my posting "Our Arranged Marriage".  While waiting in the old BYU alumni building for an appointment with Bishop Nance, I started a conversation with a girl named Kristie.  She said she thought she knew why we were there because her roommate was the Relief Society President and said that she (Kristie) and I were to be called as BYU family group parents.  Kristie stated that she was really nervous about this calling, to which I replied that I had been a family father before and there was no need to worry.  I remember thinking Kristie was cute, but she was young, inexperienced and from Idaho (never mind the fact that I also was from Idaho); and therefore not someone in whom I would be interested.  At the time I was dating someone and we often wore our matching bush pants and waffle stomper shoes to family group prayer in the beautiful home where Kristie and Debbie lived.

About three weeks later, Jim and I were walking on campus by the BYU President's house as Kristie drove by in her little VW bug she called Toklet. We were able to whistle her down and asked for a ride.  She was with her friend Renee and they both laughed because the entire back seat was completely covered with trash.  We push it aside as much as possible and Kristie drove us home.  It was unforgettable because of all the trash.

It was my sense that while the girl I was dating seemed to like me, I really hadn't swept her off her feet.  I remember attending a football game where we didn't have that much fun together, but afterwards Jim Little could not quit laughing and talking about how much fun he had with Kristie at the game.  Shortly thereafter, the girl I had been dating and myself discussed whether we should date other people.  I remember fasting and then sitting by the Provo Temple as we talked it over.  I asked her what she thought about dating others and she said it was up to me.  I thought, well that confirms the notion that she really isn't crazy about me because she is okay with dating others.  The importance of that impression and decision cannot be overlooked.

I determined to ask out other girls, including a brunette (Kristie) and a blonde in our ward.  Because Jim had gone out with Kristie, I knew that I had to work it out with him so there wouldn’t be any hard feelings.  I didn't think this would be a problem since he was just home from his mission and so I approached him with “Do you have any intentions of getting serious with Kristie?”.  He of course had no plans to get serious with anyone and was okay with me dating her.  Shortly after this I went home for Thanksgiving vacation and received a blessing from my father, wherein he spoke about how difficult, discouraging and depressing a marriage could be, but he then added that it would not be 1/100th of the joy that would be experienced for those who are faithful to their vows of marriage in the eternities.

Upon returning to school I asked Kristie to a basketball game to watch Kresimer Cosic in the Marriot Center, and I was planning to ask out the other blonde girl the following week.  We had fun at the basketball game, but strangely I was now intimidated by Kristie and felt that she really was too cool for me; after all I was only a farm boy from Idaho.  I remember we got something to eat and were talking in my car under the Dee’s drive-in clown.  Because I thought Kristie was too good for me, I told her that I would like to set her up with a friend of mine (Ron, who was also from Idaho, but he was a year older and I thought more impressive than me); to which she said “That's too bad, because I could be interested in you.”  As noteworthy as what she said, her touching me on the arm with her finger was unforgettable.  

I don't know what it is like to take drugs, but those words and her touch really set my brain on fire. To use a fishing metaphor (that any Neilson would understand and appreciate), she hooked me after our first date.  After taking Kristie home, I went back the apartment and found a record album that my roommate Jerry had borrowed from the Y student center by the group Bread.  I put on headphones so I wouldn't bother anyone else and listened to the song “Look What You've Done”.  It includes the lines, "Look, look, look what you've, done.  You have taken the best of me, now come take the rest of me; finish what you have begun."  I played it ten or twelve times thinking about what Kristie said.  All she had to do was reel me in.  It's almost like you can hear the sound of the fishing reel 'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...' as I took the bait and was flopping back and forth with the hook deeply imbedded in my mouth.  I soon realized my happiness was inexorably connected with hers, but maybe that was just a manifestation of how much I internalized the hook.  Playing that song over and over while remembering what she said was enough to kindle an unquenchable fire that has continued to burn all these years.

Life's Roles

One assumes a great variety of roles while trudging along the path of life.  These roles are assigned or taken on within our families, church, community and occupations.  Some roles, like being the youngest sibling or a grandparent are pleasant; while others, like being an expulsion officer or the complaint department for a public school district, can be arduous.   Among my most favorite roles were forest service fire lookout, public school teacher, software programmer, father and husband.  My least favorite  would include milking cows in the winter, factory work on the graveyard shift, and being a husband during a quarrel with a very articulate wife.

It is amazing how our roles define us and to a large measure influence the stress and level of happiness or sadness we experience.  Kristie's Alzheimer's has provided me with an opportunity to become a caregiver.  I applaud those who voluntarily choose to be caregivers and hope that I can assimilate some of their enthusiasm and dedication while striving to maximize the well-being of my wife.  

The following link => http://www.caregiverresource.net/radio_programs  is to an interview that I gave on Male Caregiving - it's episode 21 for anyone who is interested.  Somehow I seriously doubt this topic will become an Internet sensation.

I have also posted my views on how my faith has influenced my perspective on taking care of my wife at => http://mormon.org/me/8F0Q/Wayne/. What a remarkable difference it makes when one believes in a pre-earthly existence and the eternal nature of families and marriage - especially when confronted with severe disappointments in life.  Rather than feeling like a victim and either giving up or being overwhelmed with depression, these beliefs provide motivation to maintain and improve vital marital and family relationships that will exist and only come to full fruition after this life.

I take great courage from my own father's description of the spirit world.  He had a near death experience shortly before he died - only three weeks before he would have turned 100.  Among the things that impressed him most were how beautiful the women were there.  It made quite an impression on him because it wasn't his nature to comment on something like that.  This has given me pause to consider my wife in that realm and to want to be worthy of her love and trust.  I consider my care giving here to actually be courting for her there. 

Our Arranged Marriage

Why do people today have such an aversion to arranged marriages and think they are so outdated and medieval?  I feel that Kristie and I have done quite nicely with ours.  And it's not like we come from families with a long held and proud tradition of arranged marriages.  Well, at least not other than my mother's great grandparents, Samuel and Emma Adams who seemed very happy with theirs.  

Samuel and Emma were early converts to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) in England.  This is how their marriage was arranged as written by Eleanor Hall in her 1970 history of their lives.  

After jumping his apprenticeship, great grandfather Adams was anxious to emigrate to America.  Leaving an apprenticeship without finishing the term was a serious offense in England, and now he was on the list of the 'wanted'.  He gathered with the 'Saints' at Liverpool and let it be known that he was a candidate for the first perpetual emigration ship that arrangements could be made for him to sail on. 

Among the members of the Branch at Liverpool, and also awaiting emigration opportunity, was the beautiful and proud Emma Jackson, from Milnthrope, Westmoreland, England.  Samuel was in the office of the president of the Branch and receiving the information that an emigrant ship was near ready to leave the port.  He was told that his chances would be better for gaining passage if he was a married man.  He was asked if he was attracted to any of the branch members.  He told of his infatuation for Emma Jackson.

The president said, "She always passes here on her way home from work.  She should be coming by in a few minutes, you can ask her now."  When Emma showed up a few minutes later, she was called into the office by the president.  A proposal was made, a marriage performed, and the young couple took berth on the ship Ellen Maria that night.  It was February 5, 1852.

There are some similarities, but numerous differences for how Kristie and I were setup by forces other than our own.  To my knowledge I wasn't on any 'wanted' lists nor was I trying to emigrate, so ours was more along the lines of your traditional arranged marriage.  I had just returned to BYU to complete my senior year of college and received a telephone call that I was scheduled for an interview with the Bishop of my BYU Ward the following night.  Mind you, this is a man I had never met before.

Upon arriving for my appointment, Bishop Nance invited me into his office and introduced me to one Kristie Neilson, from Rupert, Minidoka, Idaho, and extended the call to us to be the "parents" of a BYU family home evening group, with the responsibility to provide leadership for approximately 20 college age students who were to meet together for family prayers and a weekly family home evening activities.  In typical Mormon fashion we accepted this calling, the following Sunday we were publicly sustain in Sacrament meeting, and we began serving as parents.

 

Because there is a lay ministry every good member of the LDS Church knows how callings and  their inevitable releases are made.  This is done publicly, over the podium in Sacrament meeting by what we call common consent so members have the opportunity to approve or not when individuals receive a calling, and so everyone is made aware and can show appreciate when they are released.  There is no expectation that someone will serve in a church callings until they "die with their boots on" as they say; with the possible exception of an Apostle or possibly a patriarch.

What is important to understand and so unusual about our callings was what happened (or maybe it would be more accurate to say what didn't happen) at the end of the school year.  They never released Kristie and me from being family parents.  Think about that.  What would you do?  We took our callings very seriously and realized that not being released could be a problem.  Fortunately, our church also believes in and performs eternal marriages.  Just to make certain everything was copacetic with both God and man, Kristie and I applied for and availed ourselves of this ordinance.  We expect to fulfill our calling as arranged by Bishop Nance to the best of our ability even after we die with our boots on.

The Long Goodbye

I consider Alzheimer's to be the long goodbye because it is a prolonged process whereby a loved one very slowly fades away; ultimately becoming merely a cipher or a shadow of his/her former self.  It seems that after going through many years of a very gradual but constant decline, loved ones would be prepared for almost any eventuality.  At least that is what I was feeling.  It wasn't like Kristie and I hadn't had plenty of time to take our leave of each other, and really - how much more can someone grieve after all; or so you would think.

I was, however, shocked and absolutely unprepared for Kristie's seizures two weeks ago.  I write this in the hope that it will help relieve some of the absolute helplessness and loss that overwhelmed me.  During the first seizure, Kristie fell backwards on a wood floor; fracturing both of her shoulders.  I will spare those reading this the gory details, but it wasn't a pretty sight as she struggled to breathe.  Three hours later she suffered a second and longer seizure while in the hospital emergency ward and was unconscious for 16 hours.

The good news is that she seems to be recovering quite well and while she has lost the ability to walk Kristie actually appears to be more sanguine and at peace with her situation.  This is in stark contrast to the constant anxiety that required her to pace almost constantly for the past 7 months.

I recently posted pictures of Kristie on my Facebook page because in situations like this, one returns to the feelings and memories of the forces that drew a couple together.  I hope in the next couple of weeks to recount the two different versions of how we met and married.  One version is of our arranged marriage and the other is a little known story of Kristie and I being attracted to Ann and Jim Little (who I need to clarify are brother and sister, and not husband and wife).

"If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard" by Sheri Dew

Books, like friends, serve a variety of purposes.  Some we find amusing, while other are helpful.  The best books, like best friends, inspire us to do better and to be of benefit to others.   Occasionally we encounter one whose influence profoundly effects us; changing our opinion and the ways we perceive the world, or others, or ourselves.  In my opinion "If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard" by Sheri Dew belongs among a select group of friends who empower me in my desire and efforts to improve and hopefully change for the better.

The book's premise that this life was not intended to be a cake walk and that "an opposition in all things" is an absolutely necessity to not only classify good and evil, but to bring about righteousness (2 Nephi 2:11), certainly is not new as most books dealing with adversity try to explain this concept.  But what I find powerful and unique about this book is how it:

1.  Affirms the absolute necessity of trials and heartaches as prerequisites to growth and superior blessings.
2. Illustrates how forgiveness is mandatory to rid ourselves of excess baggage.  (Isn't it ironic how we think of forgiveness as a gift we give to someone else, when it actually has more to do with the quality of life that we chose for ourselves?)
3. Points out how uncharitable we are in our judgments.
4. Clarifies that charity is not just an emotion (something we feel) or action (something we do), but rather who the Savior is; and when we pray for charity we are not just asking to change our behavior, but rather our very nature and who we are.
5. Sounds the alarm for the destructive attacks on families due to violations of the law of chastity.
6. Empowers women through living the law of chastity.  (I will never view the law of chastity the same because of the power of this book!)
7. Stresses that we can and should diligently seek after the gifts of the spirit that we, like Nephi, may be "highly favored of the Lord".

I find concept  #4 above regarding the gift of charity to be transformational.  No doubt this is an idea others understand well and I am just a slow learner.  Even though I previously had read this book somehow I did not understand the impact of this concept.  I personally have a tendency to concentrate on trying to change my behaviors and what I am doing in an effort to be a better person, or at least not the same slob I have always been.  In Chapter 4, entitled "It is Possible to Change, Really Change" Sheri Dew quotes the following from "Mere Christianity" by C. S. Lewis to make the point that it is our nature that must be changed:

As we begin to mature spiritually, we begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; we begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are.  This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case.  When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity.  I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse that immediately springs to mind is that the provocation [against me] was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself.  Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts; they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated.  On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is?  Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. . . .

If there were rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.   But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding.  In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man:  it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. . . . And if (as I said before) what we are matters even more than what we do - if, indeed, what we do matters chiefly as evidence of what we are - then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about . . . . I cannot, by direct, moral effort, give myself new motives.  After the first few steps in the Christian life we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God."

Realizing there are rats in my cellar, I take great courage and comfort in knowing as Sheri Dew wrote that , "charity is a healing, transforming balm - bestowed by the Father, applied by the Holy Ghost, to true followers of the Son - that will change our very nature as it purifies us."

I would encourage anyone who may sense there is a varmint or two in their character that they would like to extinguish to consider befriending this book.  It provides (like best friends do) real hope and substantive encouragement that "It is Possible to Change, Really Change."

Impressions and Recommendation of "My Parents Married on a Dare" by Carlfred Broderick

Carlfred Broderick is one of my favorite Mormon authors because he is remarkably humorous while at the same time being very insightful and poignant.  His patriarchal blessing (which he received at the tender age of 9) states that he would write literature that would bless others.  Well as they say - I am a great believer in prophecies that come true.  The essays compiled in "My Parents Married on a Dare" certainly are a fulfillment of the patriarch's words; blessing my life and many others.

The second chapter, "The Core of My Faith" deals with how he has approached and resolved the contradictions that occur between his faith and his scholarship; including issues such as Blacks and the priesthood, evolution, and homosexuality.  No doubt there will always be contradictions in this life where we are to walk by faith and prove ourselves.  Broderick's methodology helps one stay safely on the strait and narrow path while not ignoring troubling questions.  While he values both faith and scholarship, he concludes with "I never forget that when the Savior greets me at the veil, it will not be my scholarship that will be examined." 

Part II of the book entitled "Some Incidental Observations on Mormon Marriages" should be required reading for any member of the church who is married or even considering marriage.  I have often considered the pursuit of a happy marriage to actually be the quest for the Holy Grail of life.  As a leader in the field of marriage and family counseling/education Carlfred Broderick provides incredible insight in his four short articles based on research and years of experience working in the field.  It is not often that you get such good and concise answers to questions such as, "But what if your husband is a jerk?" and "How come good people can have bad marriages?"

Broderick saves the best for last.  The final three chapters deal with "The familial relationships of Jesus", "What justification can there be for innocent children being born into abusive families?", and "The uses of adversity."  If you have heartache because of family members, Broderick provides consolation and good reasons why the Savior understands because of His own family experience.  How often do you get an opportunity to experience an expert in family counseling talking about the familial relationships of Jesus? 

Abuse and pain of any kind are just hard to understand.  I have been deeply touched by the reasons and explanation that is provided in the last two articles.  They can change your perspective and the respect you will have for people (including yourself) who have to endure such.

I love Broderick's humor like this example, "It goes without saying that all of that religious precocity made me an obnoxious child, the bane of every Sunday School teacher.   Once when I was ten, I was sent home for explaining to the class what 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' really meant.  It had seemed clear to me from her explanation that our teacher did not quite understand the concept."  My recommendation of this book, however, is not based on the incredible wit but rather on how it deals with and answers some of the hard aspects and questions of life.  Mortality was not intended to be a cake walk and we all get beat up and wounded while on this battlefield.  It is reassuring to know that there is a purpose and good can come out of this.  This book helps provide that.  I have extra copies and will be happy to lend a copy (since it is out of print) if anyone is interested.