Life's Roles

One assumes a great variety of roles while trudging along the path of life.  These roles are assigned or taken on within our families, church, community and occupations.  Some roles, like being the youngest sibling or a grandparent are pleasant; while others, like being an expulsion officer or the complaint department for a public school district, can be arduous.   Among my most favorite roles were forest service fire lookout, public school teacher, software programmer, father and husband.  My least favorite  would include milking cows in the winter, factory work on the graveyard shift, and being a husband during a quarrel with a very articulate wife.

It is amazing how our roles define us and to a large measure influence the stress and level of happiness or sadness we experience.  Kristie's Alzheimer's has provided me with an opportunity to become a caregiver.  I applaud those who voluntarily choose to be caregivers and hope that I can assimilate some of their enthusiasm and dedication while striving to maximize the well-being of my wife.  

The following link => http://www.caregiverresource.net/radio_programs  is to an interview that I gave on Male Caregiving - it's episode 21 for anyone who is interested.  Somehow I seriously doubt this topic will become an Internet sensation.

I have also posted my views on how my faith has influenced my perspective on taking care of my wife at => http://mormon.org/me/8F0Q/Wayne/. What a remarkable difference it makes when one believes in a pre-earthly existence and the eternal nature of families and marriage - especially when confronted with severe disappointments in life.  Rather than feeling like a victim and either giving up or being overwhelmed with depression, these beliefs provide motivation to maintain and improve vital marital and family relationships that will exist and only come to full fruition after this life.

I take great courage from my own father's description of the spirit world.  He had a near death experience shortly before he died - only three weeks before he would have turned 100.  Among the things that impressed him most were how beautiful the women were there.  It made quite an impression on him because it wasn't his nature to comment on something like that.  This has given me pause to consider my wife in that realm and to want to be worthy of her love and trust.  I consider my care giving here to actually be courting for her there. 

Our Arranged Marriage

Why do people today have such an aversion to arranged marriages and think they are so outdated and medieval?  I feel that Kristie and I have done quite nicely with ours.  And it's not like we come from families with a long held and proud tradition of arranged marriages.  Well, at least not other than my mother's great grandparents, Samuel and Emma Adams who seemed very happy with theirs.  

Samuel and Emma were early converts to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) in England.  This is how their marriage was arranged as written by Eleanor Hall in her 1970 history of their lives.  

After jumping his apprenticeship, great grandfather Adams was anxious to emigrate to America.  Leaving an apprenticeship without finishing the term was a serious offense in England, and now he was on the list of the 'wanted'.  He gathered with the 'Saints' at Liverpool and let it be known that he was a candidate for the first perpetual emigration ship that arrangements could be made for him to sail on. 

Among the members of the Branch at Liverpool, and also awaiting emigration opportunity, was the beautiful and proud Emma Jackson, from Milnthrope, Westmoreland, England.  Samuel was in the office of the president of the Branch and receiving the information that an emigrant ship was near ready to leave the port.  He was told that his chances would be better for gaining passage if he was a married man.  He was asked if he was attracted to any of the branch members.  He told of his infatuation for Emma Jackson.

The president said, "She always passes here on her way home from work.  She should be coming by in a few minutes, you can ask her now."  When Emma showed up a few minutes later, she was called into the office by the president.  A proposal was made, a marriage performed, and the young couple took berth on the ship Ellen Maria that night.  It was February 5, 1852.

There are some similarities, but numerous differences for how Kristie and I were setup by forces other than our own.  To my knowledge I wasn't on any 'wanted' lists nor was I trying to emigrate, so ours was more along the lines of your traditional arranged marriage.  I had just returned to BYU to complete my senior year of college and received a telephone call that I was scheduled for an interview with the Bishop of my BYU Ward the following night.  Mind you, this is a man I had never met before.

Upon arriving for my appointment, Bishop Nance invited me into his office and introduced me to one Kristie Neilson, from Rupert, Minidoka, Idaho, and extended the call to us to be the "parents" of a BYU family home evening group, with the responsibility to provide leadership for approximately 20 college age students who were to meet together for family prayers and a weekly family home evening activities.  In typical Mormon fashion we accepted this calling, the following Sunday we were publicly sustain in Sacrament meeting, and we began serving as parents.

 

Because there is a lay ministry every good member of the LDS Church knows how callings and  their inevitable releases are made.  This is done publicly, over the podium in Sacrament meeting by what we call common consent so members have the opportunity to approve or not when individuals receive a calling, and so everyone is made aware and can show appreciate when they are released.  There is no expectation that someone will serve in a church callings until they "die with their boots on" as they say; with the possible exception of an Apostle or possibly a patriarch.

What is important to understand and so unusual about our callings was what happened (or maybe it would be more accurate to say what didn't happen) at the end of the school year.  They never released Kristie and me from being family parents.  Think about that.  What would you do?  We took our callings very seriously and realized that not being released could be a problem.  Fortunately, our church also believes in and performs eternal marriages.  Just to make certain everything was copacetic with both God and man, Kristie and I applied for and availed ourselves of this ordinance.  We expect to fulfill our calling as arranged by Bishop Nance to the best of our ability even after we die with our boots on.

The Long Goodbye

I consider Alzheimer's to be the long goodbye because it is a prolonged process whereby a loved one very slowly fades away; ultimately becoming merely a cipher or a shadow of his/her former self.  It seems that after going through many years of a very gradual but constant decline, loved ones would be prepared for almost any eventuality.  At least that is what I was feeling.  It wasn't like Kristie and I hadn't had plenty of time to take our leave of each other, and really - how much more can someone grieve after all; or so you would think.

I was, however, shocked and absolutely unprepared for Kristie's seizures two weeks ago.  I write this in the hope that it will help relieve some of the absolute helplessness and loss that overwhelmed me.  During the first seizure, Kristie fell backwards on a wood floor; fracturing both of her shoulders.  I will spare those reading this the gory details, but it wasn't a pretty sight as she struggled to breathe.  Three hours later she suffered a second and longer seizure while in the hospital emergency ward and was unconscious for 16 hours.

The good news is that she seems to be recovering quite well and while she has lost the ability to walk Kristie actually appears to be more sanguine and at peace with her situation.  This is in stark contrast to the constant anxiety that required her to pace almost constantly for the past 7 months.

I recently posted pictures of Kristie on my Facebook page because in situations like this, one returns to the feelings and memories of the forces that drew a couple together.  I hope in the next couple of weeks to recount the two different versions of how we met and married.  One version is of our arranged marriage and the other is a little known story of Kristie and I being attracted to Ann and Jim Little (who I need to clarify are brother and sister, and not husband and wife).

"If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard" by Sheri Dew

Books, like friends, serve a variety of purposes.  Some we find amusing, while other are helpful.  The best books, like best friends, inspire us to do better and to be of benefit to others.   Occasionally we encounter one whose influence profoundly effects us; changing our opinion and the ways we perceive the world, or others, or ourselves.  In my opinion "If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard" by Sheri Dew belongs among a select group of friends who empower me in my desire and efforts to improve and hopefully change for the better.

The book's premise that this life was not intended to be a cake walk and that "an opposition in all things" is an absolutely necessity to not only classify good and evil, but to bring about righteousness (2 Nephi 2:11), certainly is not new as most books dealing with adversity try to explain this concept.  But what I find powerful and unique about this book is how it:

1.  Affirms the absolute necessity of trials and heartaches as prerequisites to growth and superior blessings.
2. Illustrates how forgiveness is mandatory to rid ourselves of excess baggage.  (Isn't it ironic how we think of forgiveness as a gift we give to someone else, when it actually has more to do with the quality of life that we chose for ourselves?)
3. Points out how uncharitable we are in our judgments.
4. Clarifies that charity is not just an emotion (something we feel) or action (something we do), but rather who the Savior is; and when we pray for charity we are not just asking to change our behavior, but rather our very nature and who we are.
5. Sounds the alarm for the destructive attacks on families due to violations of the law of chastity.
6. Empowers women through living the law of chastity.  (I will never view the law of chastity the same because of the power of this book!)
7. Stresses that we can and should diligently seek after the gifts of the spirit that we, like Nephi, may be "highly favored of the Lord".

I find concept  #4 above regarding the gift of charity to be transformational.  No doubt this is an idea others understand well and I am just a slow learner.  Even though I previously had read this book somehow I did not understand the impact of this concept.  I personally have a tendency to concentrate on trying to change my behaviors and what I am doing in an effort to be a better person, or at least not the same slob I have always been.  In Chapter 4, entitled "It is Possible to Change, Really Change" Sheri Dew quotes the following from "Mere Christianity" by C. S. Lewis to make the point that it is our nature that must be changed:

As we begin to mature spiritually, we begin to notice, besides our particular sinful acts, our sinfulness; we begin to be alarmed not only about what we do, but about what we are.  This may sound rather difficult, so I will try to make it clear from my own case.  When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity.  I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed.  And the excuse that immediately springs to mind is that the provocation [against me] was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself.  Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts; they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated.  On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is?  Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. . . .

If there were rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly.   But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding.  In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man:  it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. . . . And if (as I said before) what we are matters even more than what we do - if, indeed, what we do matters chiefly as evidence of what we are - then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about . . . . I cannot, by direct, moral effort, give myself new motives.  After the first few steps in the Christian life we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God."

Realizing there are rats in my cellar, I take great courage and comfort in knowing as Sheri Dew wrote that , "charity is a healing, transforming balm - bestowed by the Father, applied by the Holy Ghost, to true followers of the Son - that will change our very nature as it purifies us."

I would encourage anyone who may sense there is a varmint or two in their character that they would like to extinguish to consider befriending this book.  It provides (like best friends do) real hope and substantive encouragement that "It is Possible to Change, Really Change."

Impressions and Recommendation of "My Parents Married on a Dare" by Carlfred Broderick

Carlfred Broderick is one of my favorite Mormon authors because he is remarkably humorous while at the same time being very insightful and poignant.  His patriarchal blessing (which he received at the tender age of 9) states that he would write literature that would bless others.  Well as they say - I am a great believer in prophecies that come true.  The essays compiled in "My Parents Married on a Dare" certainly are a fulfillment of the patriarch's words; blessing my life and many others.

The second chapter, "The Core of My Faith" deals with how he has approached and resolved the contradictions that occur between his faith and his scholarship; including issues such as Blacks and the priesthood, evolution, and homosexuality.  No doubt there will always be contradictions in this life where we are to walk by faith and prove ourselves.  Broderick's methodology helps one stay safely on the strait and narrow path while not ignoring troubling questions.  While he values both faith and scholarship, he concludes with "I never forget that when the Savior greets me at the veil, it will not be my scholarship that will be examined." 

Part II of the book entitled "Some Incidental Observations on Mormon Marriages" should be required reading for any member of the church who is married or even considering marriage.  I have often considered the pursuit of a happy marriage to actually be the quest for the Holy Grail of life.  As a leader in the field of marriage and family counseling/education Carlfred Broderick provides incredible insight in his four short articles based on research and years of experience working in the field.  It is not often that you get such good and concise answers to questions such as, "But what if your husband is a jerk?" and "How come good people can have bad marriages?"

Broderick saves the best for last.  The final three chapters deal with "The familial relationships of Jesus", "What justification can there be for innocent children being born into abusive families?", and "The uses of adversity."  If you have heartache because of family members, Broderick provides consolation and good reasons why the Savior understands because of His own family experience.  How often do you get an opportunity to experience an expert in family counseling talking about the familial relationships of Jesus? 

Abuse and pain of any kind are just hard to understand.  I have been deeply touched by the reasons and explanation that is provided in the last two articles.  They can change your perspective and the respect you will have for people (including yourself) who have to endure such.

I love Broderick's humor like this example, "It goes without saying that all of that religious precocity made me an obnoxious child, the bane of every Sunday School teacher.   Once when I was ten, I was sent home for explaining to the class what 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' really meant.  It had seemed clear to me from her explanation that our teacher did not quite understand the concept."  My recommendation of this book, however, is not based on the incredible wit but rather on how it deals with and answers some of the hard aspects and questions of life.  Mortality was not intended to be a cake walk and we all get beat up and wounded while on this battlefield.  It is reassuring to know that there is a purpose and good can come out of this.  This book helps provide that.  I have extra copies and will be happy to lend a copy (since it is out of print) if anyone is interested.

Michigan First Impressions

It is interesting what newbies notice as being different, unusual or from the Twilight Zone when they first arrive in an area.  Well this is my list of strange first impressions of western Michigan:

1. They should have a sign at the state border saying, "Bob Seger welcomes you to Michigan."  I mean they play his songs all the time.  Three weeks after moving here I asked my son-in-law what was it about Michigan and Bob Seger?  He was nonplussed, having no idea of what I was referring to; but while driving the first few weeks I would daily hear one or two Bob Seger songs on the "oldies or 70's" radio stations.   They even talk about his upcoming tour (which just happens to start in Michigan).  Compare that with western Oregon where if I heard two Bob Seger songs in an entire year I would be wondering why.  There are times when they play three Bob Seger songs within 30 minutes; and mind you this is not just on one radio station as I regularly switch between four.  Upon investigation, it turns out that Bob Seger is from the Detroit area which may account for some of his popularity here.  It must be an acquired taste, but I admit I'm starting to like his version of Downtown Train. 
2. It appears that 80's and New Wave music never made it to Michigan, or if it did it was no match for Bob Seger.  After diligent searching, it appears that my radio options are limited to rap, country, gospel or oldies.  Of course "oldies" refers to songs by Bob Seger, alternated with Fleetwood Mac, John Mellencamp and the Eagles.  There are lots of 80's stations in the Chicago area.  We were returning from visiting our daughter Bryn in Chicago a week ago and listening to 80's music out of South Bend, Indiana until the signal was no longer clear and so I switched to a station out of Grand Rapids.  I knew we were back in Michigan because it was a Bob Seger song.
3. It was very evident that we were no longer in Oregon when I was driving 73 mph down the freeway and everyone was passing me.  The speed limit is 65 mph on Oregon freeways and supposedly 70 in Michigan, but I think that is just a suggestion here because I appear to be the slowest driver at 73.  I must say that I find Michigan drivers to be very safe, especially when compared to driving on Utah freeways.
4. Michigan lefts are a really oddity.  On major beltline roads they have something called a Michigan left, which means you have to turn right to go left; or you drive through the light, then turn left and make a U-turn so you can turn right onto the street you wanted but were unable to access by turning left at the intersection.  Okay it sounds weird, but hopefully the following link  => http://www.michiganhighways.org/indepth/michigan_left.html>  will help explain how one turns right to go left in Michigan.
5. You don't go to "party stores" in Michigan to purchase balloons and other party supplies, unless you need to get a supply of alcohol.  I don't know why they don't just call them liquor stores, but evidently they like the euphemism of "party stores".  You know you are in Michigan when you are driving down the road 76 miles an hour and have to make a right turn to go left while listening to a radio station playing Bob Seger as you head to a party store to get some refreshments.
6. I was surprised at the apparent prosperity that I see in Grand Rapids area because Michigan supposedly has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country.  Maybe it is because I am familiar with Linn County in Oregon which also has a high unemployment, but all the new buildings and construction in southeast Grand Rapids is impressive.  I have never seen so many new school buildings, churches, college buildings (there are at least 8 colleges in the area) and medical facilities.  People tell me that I need to see the Detroit area if I want to understand what unemployment and poverty look like.
7. Lawn care and home maintenance are a big deal here.  It seems everyone has a big lawn and during the summer months there are more landscaping companies working in our neighborhood of Grand Rapids than in the entire city of Albany, Oregon.  It is amazing to witness the lawn care trucks with their standing lawn mowers and the home repair vehicles that descend upon our street weekdays in the summer.  I would never see as many lawn care and home repair vehicles in a week in Oregon as I do on almost most any given weekday here.  I am always amazed at how many homes in the mid-west have lawns that are a half acre or larger.  Mind you, Oregon certainly has larger grass fields, but that's only for raising grass seed or pasturing sheep.
8. There are the usual mid-west differences that are impressive - starting with fire flies, cardinals, lightening storms, and all the wild game that lives in our area of Grand Rapids.  We have rabbits, turkeys and deer living in our ravine that will often come out and feed on our lawn.  I saw a 6 point deer the other day in our backyard.
9. As everyone knows, you see a lot of slugs in Oregon, but not nearly as many in Michigan.  I am of course referring to people and not the small, slimy snail-like creatures one finds in the garden.  Maybe it is just our neighborhood, but  people really appear active here - walking, riding their bikes, jogging, sailing, boating and just getting outside.  It is impressive to see all the people who jog and walk as you drive through East Grand Rapids, particularly by Reeds Lake.
10. The Christian Reform Church is very popular here.  It almost seems that there are as many Christian Reform Church buildings here as there are Mormon chapels in Utah.  I don't know how far one would have to drive to attend a Christian Reform church in Albany, Oregon; but it's only a few block here and you can listen to Bob Seger while getting there.
11. The Mackinac Bridge is no small accomplishment.  In fact it is just a few feet short of being 5 miles long.  That is no small distance for a two pillar suspension bridge.  The incredible scope of this structure dawned on me when I saw the pillars for the first time about 10 miles away.  They stand out like enormous skyscrapers.
12. I don't know if people in Michigan are well read, but the trees certainly are in the fall.  I love driving here in the fall (even with Bob Seger on the radio) or just walking around the neighborhood because of the colorful leaves.  I must be falling for Michigan.