Kristie Video

The following video of Kristie is posted for her family in response to her sister Karla's inquiries about her current condition. 

Expelling, Marrying, and Really Changing

To say that school expulsions are incredibly emotional and traumatic for all parties involved (including students, parents and school administrators) is a vast understatement.  I should know because over the course of twenty-six years I served as the expulsion officer in a public school district with approximately 9000 students who did not always make the smartest decisions.  I have conducted well over one thousand student expulsion hearings and was responsible for the decision to exclude the vast majority of these students from school.

Mind you, there is a limit to the period of expulsion (generally between six weeks and a full year) and ongoing educational opportunities like alternative school, tutor or on-line instructions are always proffered, along with the requirements that enable the student to return to the regular school setting.  Still, it's not a pleasant task to inform the family and child involved that they are excluded and no longer welcome on school grounds.  It was always my objective to be fair, focusing on how to help the student continue to make progress toward graduation and learn from their mistakes while enforcing district, state and federal policies regardless of the decision that was made.

I may not be the quickest learner but after conducting approximately 50 expulsions hearings I began to observe an interesting pattern regarding the behavior and reaction of the parents.  The parents always seemed to fall into one of the following three categories:

1.     Those who were there to defend their son or daughter and always felt their child was being picked on and someone else was to blame - other students, the teachers or administrators.

2.     Those who had given up on their child and would express their disappointment with words like "I've done everything I can and they are on their own", or "they have made their bed and will have to sleep in it".

3.     Those who did not excuse their child's poor behavior and choices, but neither did they abandon their child.  They were supportive of their son or daughter without trying to help him or her avoid all the consequences of his or her actions.  Often the mother would just sit there and cry.  Even now it makes me tear up when I think about those parents and the pain they were willing to endure as they lovingly helped their child learn to be responsible.

It quickly became evident that the parents in group #1 were enabling their child's bad behavior.  The students weren't dumb and knew their parent would lash out about the unfairness of any discipline.  I remember listening to the parents defend their child and seeing their anger focused on anyone else but their child.  The implicit message to their child was that he or she did not need to change because his or her parents would always place the blame on others.  Needless to say, I wasn't much impress by this reaction and it was evident that these parents weren't trying to raise students who would take responsibility for their actions.

If I found the parents in group #1 as being enablers of irresponsible and spoiled behavior, I had even less respect for the parents in group #2.  Often parents who were in group #1 would change to being in group #2 over time as they would return for a second or third expulsion hearing.  At no time did they take any responsibility for their child's behavior and rather than being willing to admit there had been mistakes (in their parenting and their child's behavior) they simply gave up.  Again, the message to the child wasn't that they needed to change, but rather they were hopeless and would never amount to any good.  The parents would rather throw the child away then to try and be responsible themselves and work through the issues.  I realize that this is easy to say when one doesn't have to live with all the disappointments and heartache created by a problem child, but I have a hard time excusing these parents who wish to absolve themselves from any responsibility at such a critical time.

I always wanted to give some kind of award or medal to the parents who were in group #3.  It was evident to me, and definitely to the student, that these parents cared not only about their child, but also that they would grow up to be responsible adults.  I remember watching the mothers cry and seeing the remorse this brought to the students.  I soon realized that it didn't matter what decision I made because these students knew they had embarrassed the family with their behavior, and the sorrow they caused their loving parents was a greater deterrent than any consequence I would enforce.  That is not to say that I assigned them a different punishment than students with parents in group #1 or #2, but I knew these students had learned their lesson and would not embarrass their parents again.

It was interesting to meet students in public that I had expelled.  I always wondered if it was safe to eat the food when going through a drive-in and being served by one of my former expellees.  I have forgotten most of the more than 1000 students and their parents with whom I had to make a judgment, but one tends to remember a few (like the mayor's son I expelled).  There were a couple of hearings which in conjunction with the events that followed were just too unusual to forget and are worth re-telling. 

The first story has to do with a student who I will call Randy (not his real name).  I remember we held an expulsion hearing for Randy two weeks after school was out, which seems a little strange, but it was all a timing issue.  You see Randy used an M80 firecracker to blow the urinal off the wall on the last day of school.  And it wasn't like Randy was a stranger to me.  At the time I had been called to serve as an LDS Bishop (the LDS church as a lay-ministry and I served as the leader of a congregation of approximately 600 for no pay for 5 years) and we welcomed him into our youth programs when he moved to town about February.  I had heard stories about his behavior and that he could be a problem, but he seemed to act appropriately in the church setting and after a couple of months and he quit coming.  It was only about a month latter that he had the brilliant idea to flush a lit firecracker down a urinal.

Randy was expelled for the fall semester (blowing urinals off the wall was not something the school district really wanted to encourage) and it would be almost 10 years until our lives would intersect again.  During this time Randy served in the military, was married, divorced, seriously injured, and confined to a wheel chair.  The LDS Church assigned me to be the leader of a small congregation in a neighboring town and I saw Randy's name on the rolls.  I visited with him, found out what had occurred in his life and invited him to attend church, but he never came.  About a year later I received a phone call from his mother, who said Randy was getting married and wondered if I would perform the marriage.  I met with the couple as we made arrangements and then conducted the ceremony.  Randy was in his military uniform and came down the isle in his wheelchair.

I just find it a little strange that I would be asked to perform the marriage for someone that I expelled, but that is not the end of the story.  Randy's step-sister would become my secretary and when Randy's marriage didn't work out, he actually called me about five years later, saying he was getting married again and asked if I would perform his new marriage.  Unfortunately, I was no longer serving in a church role where I had the authority to officiate a marriage, but I was able to make arrangements for someone else to perform his marriage and I consider it a great honor since I had made the decision to expell him that Randy would even consider me.

While what happened with "Randy" is unusual, the expulsion for Greg (not his real name) and the subsequent events related to him seem like something from the Far Side; and therefore is worth the telling if only to make the point that people can change - and I mean really change.  I can't even remember the reason for the expulsion hearing, but it was evident Greg had a temper that could really get him in trouble.  It was what happened after he was expelled that makes him so memorable.  He threw a brick through the front window of the administrator who brought him to the hearing and then he used his pellet gun to shoot holes in the glass panel by our front door (see the pictures below) and our upstairs attic windows.  He also tried to shoot and break our front yard light bulbs, but they were constructed of heavy duty plastic so there was little damage.  Following this attack we took our address out of the phone book to avoid future problems from expelled students, but I remembered Greg because he knew where I lived and he got to me and my family.

Three years later I read about a shoot out between Greg and the police in a neighboring town.  No one was hurt, but gun shots were exchanged, resulting in Greg being arrested and locked up.  About 15 years later I met an individual who worked for the Oregon Parole and Probation Board, and so I asked about Greg, because I was concerned that he knew where we lived and felt he could be dangerous.  A short time later the person got back to me with the information that Greg had served his time and been released, and was somewhere out in the community, but there was no record where.  I didn't find that information very reassuring.

About a year later, there was a middle school student with the same last name as Greg who was making serious threats in the area.  Since I was on the county Student Threat Assessment Team, I was a part of the discussion and decision regarding what to do with this student.  He was required to meet with a mental health counselor and I asked the counselor to find out whether the student was in any way connected to Greg, and if so, where was Greg.  A couple week later the counselor reported back to the Student Threat Assessment Team and told me the student lived with a step-dad, but Greg (the one who shot at my house) was indeed a very close relative and he was back in town.  The counselor said that perhaps I had seen Greg because he was the person who stands on the overpass in town in a robe and a sign that either says REPENT or Jesus Loves You.

I have attached photos above of our front window that Greg shot and also of the new, improved Greg below.  It just goes to show that people really can change.  Can't you just feel the love?

Who Is This Woman?

The following link => photographs of Kristie provides a chronological view of Kristie's life.  You would think that after four decades of knowing Kristie and living with her for the last 39 years as her husband that I would be well acquainted with who she is and have some concept of her identity.  There are events and concepts, however, that have caused me to look at Kristie and what has occurred in her life in a new light and wonder, "who is this woman?"

This new perception or viewpoint has to do with what is termed "the mysteries of the kingdom".  I concur with Carlfred Broderick's assertion that, "I think we do not understand the nature of ourselves.  I think we do not understand who we are.  Some people call the temple ordinances the 'mysteries' of the kingdom.  When I went to the temple, I thought I was going to learn which star was Kolob, where the Ten Tribes were, and other such information.  But those aren't the mysteries of the kingdom; the mysteries of the kingdom are who we are, and who God is, and what our relationship to Him is.  Those are the mysteries of the kingdom.  You can tell somebody in plain English, but they still don't know in their hearts who they really are."

So it is with Kristie.  My new perspective and respect for her are rooted in the unique LDS tenets that - First, we all lived with a loving Heavenly Father as His spirit children prior to this earth life; Second, we were each endowed with free will and were empowered to use it in the preexistence realm; Third, God respects our agency and does not work by force; Fourth, adversity is essential to our eternal progression because without an opposition in all things, righteousness cannot be brought to pass; and Fifth, marriage and family bonds can be eternal and bring their greatest joy after this life.  These fundamental beliefs have caused me to wonder "who is this woman to whom I am sealed; that in the preexistence she would willingly choose or acquiesce to come to earth knowing that it was her mission to experience sexual abuse as a child and now Alzheimer's - but bravely volunteering nevertheless to endure such?"  

President Joseph F. Smith stated, "He that sent His Only Begotten Son into the world to accomplish the mission which He did, also sent every soul within the sound of my voice, and indeed every man and woman in the world, to accomplish a mission."  While I am aware of Kristie's shortcomings and realize that she was far from perfect, it is being to dawn on me that perhaps I have greatly under-estimated the woman who I married and the significance of her mission on earth.  She has been a remarkable example of unconditional love and how to use humor to ease the troubles and burdens of life.  I marvel at how trusting she has been of me as Alzheimer's has diminished her vitality and acumen.  I only hope that I am as trusting of the Lord and consider the effort to care for her more of an honor than a burden.

Our "Little" Courtship - The Reel Story

The forces that drew Kristie and me together really began more than 60 years ago with two people we have never met - Jim and Phyllis Little.  It was about 1950 that they dated and eventually married while attending BYU.  I am not certain whether it is factual or simply hearsay that she was the homecoming queen and he was the most preferred man, but this much I do know - their children were remarkably good looking.  In the spring of 1972 I was impressed with their daughter Ann and asked her to attend a performance on campus.  I got the feeling that she was either shy or not interested in me.  However, at the end of the school year, she approached me and explained she had an older brother, Jim, who would be returning from his mission during the summer and she wondered if he could room with me in the fall, to which I agreed.

I returned to BYU in the fall of 1972 after spending my fourth summer working for the U.S. Forest Service as a fire lookout in the Blue Mountains of Oregon.  It was convenient living right across the street from campus by the BYU tennis courts.  I remember we often listened to Neil Young's "Harvest" album on our roommate Jerry Hatfield's new stereo system.  Jim Little turned out to be a great roommate, but it was evident that he was just off his mission and still adjusting to civilian life.  On Sunday we attended our new student Ward in the old BYU alumni building.

Did I mention that Jim and Phyllis Little had good looking children?  Well, this fact was not wasted on one Kristie Neilson.  She was so impressed that first Sunday that she asked her roommate, Debbie, who was the Relief Society President in our student ward (and would marry my roommate Jerry before the beginning of the winter semester) to make certain their apartment was assigned to the same Family Home Evening Group as Jim Little.  It is rather amazing how Ann and Jim Little would be the catalysts for Kristie and I to become acquainted.  

The Bishop of our student ward also deserves some credit because he was the one who actually arranged for us to meet by calling us to serve as family group parents for time and, as it turned out, all eternity - the details of which are included in my posting "Our Arranged Marriage".  While waiting in the old BYU alumni building for an appointment with Bishop Nance, I started a conversation with a girl named Kristie.  She said she thought she knew why we were there because her roommate was the Relief Society President and said that she (Kristie) and I were to be called as BYU family group parents.  Kristie stated that she was really nervous about this calling, to which I replied that I had been a family father before and there was no need to worry.  I remember thinking Kristie was cute, but she was young, inexperienced and from Idaho (never mind the fact that I also was from Idaho); and therefore not someone in whom I would be interested.  At the time I was dating someone and we often wore our matching bush pants and waffle stomper shoes to family group prayer in the beautiful home where Kristie and Debbie lived.

About three weeks later, Jim and I were walking on campus by the BYU President's house as Kristie drove by in her little VW bug she called Toklet. We were able to whistle her down and asked for a ride.  She was with her friend Renee and they both laughed because the entire back seat was completely covered with trash.  We push it aside as much as possible and Kristie drove us home.  It was unforgettable because of all the trash.

It was my sense that while the girl I was dating seemed to like me, I really hadn't swept her off her feet.  I remember attending a football game where we didn't have that much fun together, but afterwards Jim Little could not quit laughing and talking about how much fun he had with Kristie at the game.  Shortly thereafter, the girl I had been dating and myself discussed whether we should date other people.  I remember fasting and then sitting by the Provo Temple as we talked it over.  I asked her what she thought about dating others and she said it was up to me.  I thought, well that confirms the notion that she really isn't crazy about me because she is okay with dating others.  The importance of that impression and decision cannot be overlooked.

I determined to ask out other girls, including a brunette (Kristie) and a blonde in our ward.  Because Jim had gone out with Kristie, I knew that I had to work it out with him so there wouldn’t be any hard feelings.  I didn't think this would be a problem since he was just home from his mission and so I approached him with “Do you have any intentions of getting serious with Kristie?”.  He of course had no plans to get serious with anyone and was okay with me dating her.  Shortly after this I went home for Thanksgiving vacation and received a blessing from my father, wherein he spoke about how difficult, discouraging and depressing a marriage could be, but he then added that it would not be 1/100th of the joy that would be experienced for those who are faithful to their vows of marriage in the eternities.

Upon returning to school I asked Kristie to a basketball game to watch Kresimer Cosic in the Marriot Center, and I was planning to ask out the other blonde girl the following week.  We had fun at the basketball game, but strangely I was now intimidated by Kristie and felt that she really was too cool for me; after all I was only a farm boy from Idaho.  I remember we got something to eat and were talking in my car under the Dee’s drive-in clown.  Because I thought Kristie was too good for me, I told her that I would like to set her up with a friend of mine (Ron, who was also from Idaho, but he was a year older and I thought more impressive than me); to which she said “That's too bad, because I could be interested in you.”  As noteworthy as what she said, her touching me on the arm with her finger was unforgettable.  

I don't know what it is like to take drugs, but those words and her touch really set my brain on fire. To use a fishing metaphor (that any Neilson would understand and appreciate), she hooked me after our first date.  After taking Kristie home, I went back the apartment and found a record album that my roommate Jerry had borrowed from the Y student center by the group Bread.  I put on headphones so I wouldn't bother anyone else and listened to the song “Look What You've Done”.  It includes the lines, "Look, look, look what you've, done.  You have taken the best of me, now come take the rest of me; finish what you have begun."  I played it ten or twelve times thinking about what Kristie said.  All she had to do was reel me in.  It's almost like you can hear the sound of the fishing reel 'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...' as I took the bait and was flopping back and forth with the hook deeply imbedded in my mouth.  I soon realized my happiness was inexorably connected with hers, but maybe that was just a manifestation of how much I internalized the hook.  Playing that song over and over while remembering what she said was enough to kindle an unquenchable fire that has continued to burn all these years.

Life's Roles

One assumes a great variety of roles while trudging along the path of life.  These roles are assigned or taken on within our families, church, community and occupations.  Some roles, like being the youngest sibling or a grandparent are pleasant; while others, like being an expulsion officer or the complaint department for a public school district, can be arduous.   Among my most favorite roles were forest service fire lookout, public school teacher, software programmer, father and husband.  My least favorite  would include milking cows in the winter, factory work on the graveyard shift, and being a husband during a quarrel with a very articulate wife.

It is amazing how our roles define us and to a large measure influence the stress and level of happiness or sadness we experience.  Kristie's Alzheimer's has provided me with an opportunity to become a caregiver.  I applaud those who voluntarily choose to be caregivers and hope that I can assimilate some of their enthusiasm and dedication while striving to maximize the well-being of my wife.  

The following link => http://www.caregiverresource.net/radio_programs  is to an interview that I gave on Male Caregiving - it's episode 21 for anyone who is interested.  Somehow I seriously doubt this topic will become an Internet sensation.

I have also posted my views on how my faith has influenced my perspective on taking care of my wife at => http://mormon.org/me/8F0Q/Wayne/. What a remarkable difference it makes when one believes in a pre-earthly existence and the eternal nature of families and marriage - especially when confronted with severe disappointments in life.  Rather than feeling like a victim and either giving up or being overwhelmed with depression, these beliefs provide motivation to maintain and improve vital marital and family relationships that will exist and only come to full fruition after this life.

I take great courage from my own father's description of the spirit world.  He had a near death experience shortly before he died - only three weeks before he would have turned 100.  Among the things that impressed him most were how beautiful the women were there.  It made quite an impression on him because it wasn't his nature to comment on something like that.  This has given me pause to consider my wife in that realm and to want to be worthy of her love and trust.  I consider my care giving here to actually be courting for her there. 

Our Arranged Marriage

Why do people today have such an aversion to arranged marriages and think they are so outdated and medieval?  I feel that Kristie and I have done quite nicely with ours.  And it's not like we come from families with a long held and proud tradition of arranged marriages.  Well, at least not other than my mother's great grandparents, Samuel and Emma Adams who seemed very happy with theirs.  

Samuel and Emma were early converts to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) in England.  This is how their marriage was arranged as written by Eleanor Hall in her 1970 history of their lives.  

After jumping his apprenticeship, great grandfather Adams was anxious to emigrate to America.  Leaving an apprenticeship without finishing the term was a serious offense in England, and now he was on the list of the 'wanted'.  He gathered with the 'Saints' at Liverpool and let it be known that he was a candidate for the first perpetual emigration ship that arrangements could be made for him to sail on. 

Among the members of the Branch at Liverpool, and also awaiting emigration opportunity, was the beautiful and proud Emma Jackson, from Milnthrope, Westmoreland, England.  Samuel was in the office of the president of the Branch and receiving the information that an emigrant ship was near ready to leave the port.  He was told that his chances would be better for gaining passage if he was a married man.  He was asked if he was attracted to any of the branch members.  He told of his infatuation for Emma Jackson.

The president said, "She always passes here on her way home from work.  She should be coming by in a few minutes, you can ask her now."  When Emma showed up a few minutes later, she was called into the office by the president.  A proposal was made, a marriage performed, and the young couple took berth on the ship Ellen Maria that night.  It was February 5, 1852.

There are some similarities, but numerous differences for how Kristie and I were setup by forces other than our own.  To my knowledge I wasn't on any 'wanted' lists nor was I trying to emigrate, so ours was more along the lines of your traditional arranged marriage.  I had just returned to BYU to complete my senior year of college and received a telephone call that I was scheduled for an interview with the Bishop of my BYU Ward the following night.  Mind you, this is a man I had never met before.

Upon arriving for my appointment, Bishop Nance invited me into his office and introduced me to one Kristie Neilson, from Rupert, Minidoka, Idaho, and extended the call to us to be the "parents" of a BYU family home evening group, with the responsibility to provide leadership for approximately 20 college age students who were to meet together for family prayers and a weekly family home evening activities.  In typical Mormon fashion we accepted this calling, the following Sunday we were publicly sustain in Sacrament meeting, and we began serving as parents.

 

Because there is a lay ministry every good member of the LDS Church knows how callings and  their inevitable releases are made.  This is done publicly, over the podium in Sacrament meeting by what we call common consent so members have the opportunity to approve or not when individuals receive a calling, and so everyone is made aware and can show appreciate when they are released.  There is no expectation that someone will serve in a church callings until they "die with their boots on" as they say; with the possible exception of an Apostle or possibly a patriarch.

What is important to understand and so unusual about our callings was what happened (or maybe it would be more accurate to say what didn't happen) at the end of the school year.  They never released Kristie and me from being family parents.  Think about that.  What would you do?  We took our callings very seriously and realized that not being released could be a problem.  Fortunately, our church also believes in and performs eternal marriages.  Just to make certain everything was copacetic with both God and man, Kristie and I applied for and availed ourselves of this ordinance.  We expect to fulfill our calling as arranged by Bishop Nance to the best of our ability even after we die with our boots on.

The Long Goodbye

I consider Alzheimer's to be the long goodbye because it is a prolonged process whereby a loved one very slowly fades away; ultimately becoming merely a cipher or a shadow of his/her former self.  It seems that after going through many years of a very gradual but constant decline, loved ones would be prepared for almost any eventuality.  At least that is what I was feeling.  It wasn't like Kristie and I hadn't had plenty of time to take our leave of each other, and really - how much more can someone grieve after all; or so you would think.

I was, however, shocked and absolutely unprepared for Kristie's seizures two weeks ago.  I write this in the hope that it will help relieve some of the absolute helplessness and loss that overwhelmed me.  During the first seizure, Kristie fell backwards on a wood floor; fracturing both of her shoulders.  I will spare those reading this the gory details, but it wasn't a pretty sight as she struggled to breathe.  Three hours later she suffered a second and longer seizure while in the hospital emergency ward and was unconscious for 16 hours.

The good news is that she seems to be recovering quite well and while she has lost the ability to walk Kristie actually appears to be more sanguine and at peace with her situation.  This is in stark contrast to the constant anxiety that required her to pace almost constantly for the past 7 months.

I recently posted pictures of Kristie on my Facebook page because in situations like this, one returns to the feelings and memories of the forces that drew a couple together.  I hope in the next couple of weeks to recount the two different versions of how we met and married.  One version is of our arranged marriage and the other is a little known story of Kristie and I being attracted to Ann and Jim Little (who I need to clarify are brother and sister, and not husband and wife).