Life is Good When ...

An individual's definition of "life is good" changes over time and is determined not only by what is happening in his/her own life, but also what is happening in the lives of loved ones. 
When dealing with Alzheimer's, the definition of "life is good" simply means no one is in pain or totally overwhelmed with anxiety related to the disease.  I question whether anyone would purposefully choose or desire our situation, but Kristie turned 62 today and in our milieu, I must confess that life is good.  

I have posted three short videos depicting "life is good".  The first perspective is from our four year old grandson - just enjoying some balloons in a wind chamber.  The other two videos are of Kristie - one showing her agility using a wheelchair to get around, and another video of us just walking.  They call her "Speedy" at the assisted living facility because of how quickly she can get around in her wheelchair.  And the walking - that may not seem like a big deal, but it is to us; and therefore life is good.

Not bad for a woman who didn't or couldn't walk for 7 months.

The Seasons of Life

It's autumn again in Michigan and nature does her best to impress with brilliant colors that warm one's spirit with the chilly approach of winter.  Fall brings a poignant combination of feelings.  The cool temperatures are refreshing, even energizing; but there is also a sense of melancholy with the realization that the exuberance of spring is only a memory, the summer growing season is past, and the mild weather will soon be replaced by the arctic winter winds.  



The attached photos are a poor sampling and really do not capture the gorgeous bouquet that the multicolored fall landscape present in Michigan.  But at least they provide some reference for what greets mid-westerners during this season.

The changing seasons help me recognize that I am in the autumn of my life; and during this interval I have the sacred opportunity to observe the springtime of my grandson, my daughters' productive summer seasons, and the winter of my wife. 


Few things denote springtime enthusiasm more than watching a 4-year old who has just learned to ride a bike.  It's the next best thing to getting your driver's license - as the attached video of my grandson Felix demonstrates.

Bryn and Bree are busily engaged in the peak production time of their earthly sojourn.  Their lives are beyond full in terms of responsibilities and challenges related to family, work, demanding church callings, college classes, and running a home on the side.  Not that they aren't handling it all with aplomb, but it is obvious that they both are occupied in grueling races with little chance to catch their breaths.  I must confess on reflection that there was a great deal wanting in the parenting that Kristie and I provided them (and which they are not shy to point out); but somehow they appear confident and resilient in dealing with the complexities and vicissitudes of their lives.  They make life better for those around them, including Kristie and me.  They, like our grandson, bring a wonderful sense of joy and satisfaction to us; and a feeling that our marriage may have blessed more than just the two of us.  

There is no question in my mind that Alzheimer's descends as the winter time in one's life.  I watch as Kristie bravely navigates through the blizzards and whiteout conditions of this season.  What surprises me is how cheerful she can be through all this.  While she is only a small fraction of her former self, the part that remains - the very essence of her personality - her disarming smile, laughter and ability to joke with others, continues to bring joy and endear her to others.  I marvel at how well she has taken to assisted living, where even as a shadow of herself, she is happy and raises the spirits of those around her - as the video shows.

Kristie Video

The following video of Kristie is posted for her family in response to her sister Karla's inquiries about her current condition. 

Expelling, Marrying, and Really Changing

To say that school expulsions are incredibly emotional and traumatic for all parties involved (including students, parents and school administrators) is a vast understatement.  I should know because over the course of twenty-six years I served as the expulsion officer in a public school district with approximately 9000 students who did not always make the smartest decisions.  I have conducted well over one thousand student expulsion hearings and was responsible for the decision to exclude the vast majority of these students from school.

Mind you, there is a limit to the period of expulsion (generally between six weeks and a full year) and ongoing educational opportunities like alternative school, tutor or on-line instructions are always proffered, along with the requirements that enable the student to return to the regular school setting.  Still, it's not a pleasant task to inform the family and child involved that they are excluded and no longer welcome on school grounds.  It was always my objective to be fair, focusing on how to help the student continue to make progress toward graduation and learn from their mistakes while enforcing district, state and federal policies regardless of the decision that was made.

I may not be the quickest learner but after conducting approximately 50 expulsions hearings I began to observe an interesting pattern regarding the behavior and reaction of the parents.  The parents always seemed to fall into one of the following three categories:

1.     Those who were there to defend their son or daughter and always felt their child was being picked on and someone else was to blame - other students, the teachers or administrators.

2.     Those who had given up on their child and would express their disappointment with words like "I've done everything I can and they are on their own", or "they have made their bed and will have to sleep in it".

3.     Those who did not excuse their child's poor behavior and choices, but neither did they abandon their child.  They were supportive of their son or daughter without trying to help him or her avoid all the consequences of his or her actions.  Often the mother would just sit there and cry.  Even now it makes me tear up when I think about those parents and the pain they were willing to endure as they lovingly helped their child learn to be responsible.

It quickly became evident that the parents in group #1 were enabling their child's bad behavior.  The students weren't dumb and knew their parent would lash out about the unfairness of any discipline.  I remember listening to the parents defend their child and seeing their anger focused on anyone else but their child.  The implicit message to their child was that he or she did not need to change because his or her parents would always place the blame on others.  Needless to say, I wasn't much impress by this reaction and it was evident that these parents weren't trying to raise students who would take responsibility for their actions.

If I found the parents in group #1 as being enablers of irresponsible and spoiled behavior, I had even less respect for the parents in group #2.  Often parents who were in group #1 would change to being in group #2 over time as they would return for a second or third expulsion hearing.  At no time did they take any responsibility for their child's behavior and rather than being willing to admit there had been mistakes (in their parenting and their child's behavior) they simply gave up.  Again, the message to the child wasn't that they needed to change, but rather they were hopeless and would never amount to any good.  The parents would rather throw the child away then to try and be responsible themselves and work through the issues.  I realize that this is easy to say when one doesn't have to live with all the disappointments and heartache created by a problem child, but I have a hard time excusing these parents who wish to absolve themselves from any responsibility at such a critical time.

I always wanted to give some kind of award or medal to the parents who were in group #3.  It was evident to me, and definitely to the student, that these parents cared not only about their child, but also that they would grow up to be responsible adults.  I remember watching the mothers cry and seeing the remorse this brought to the students.  I soon realized that it didn't matter what decision I made because these students knew they had embarrassed the family with their behavior, and the sorrow they caused their loving parents was a greater deterrent than any consequence I would enforce.  That is not to say that I assigned them a different punishment than students with parents in group #1 or #2, but I knew these students had learned their lesson and would not embarrass their parents again.

It was interesting to meet students in public that I had expelled.  I always wondered if it was safe to eat the food when going through a drive-in and being served by one of my former expellees.  I have forgotten most of the more than 1000 students and their parents with whom I had to make a judgment, but one tends to remember a few (like the mayor's son I expelled).  There were a couple of hearings which in conjunction with the events that followed were just too unusual to forget and are worth re-telling. 

The first story has to do with a student who I will call Randy (not his real name).  I remember we held an expulsion hearing for Randy two weeks after school was out, which seems a little strange, but it was all a timing issue.  You see Randy used an M80 firecracker to blow the urinal off the wall on the last day of school.  And it wasn't like Randy was a stranger to me.  At the time I had been called to serve as an LDS Bishop (the LDS church as a lay-ministry and I served as the leader of a congregation of approximately 600 for no pay for 5 years) and we welcomed him into our youth programs when he moved to town about February.  I had heard stories about his behavior and that he could be a problem, but he seemed to act appropriately in the church setting and after a couple of months and he quit coming.  It was only about a month latter that he had the brilliant idea to flush a lit firecracker down a urinal.

Randy was expelled for the fall semester (blowing urinals off the wall was not something the school district really wanted to encourage) and it would be almost 10 years until our lives would intersect again.  During this time Randy served in the military, was married, divorced, seriously injured, and confined to a wheel chair.  The LDS Church assigned me to be the leader of a small congregation in a neighboring town and I saw Randy's name on the rolls.  I visited with him, found out what had occurred in his life and invited him to attend church, but he never came.  About a year later I received a phone call from his mother, who said Randy was getting married and wondered if I would perform the marriage.  I met with the couple as we made arrangements and then conducted the ceremony.  Randy was in his military uniform and came down the isle in his wheelchair.

I just find it a little strange that I would be asked to perform the marriage for someone that I expelled, but that is not the end of the story.  Randy's step-sister would become my secretary and when Randy's marriage didn't work out, he actually called me about five years later, saying he was getting married again and asked if I would perform his new marriage.  Unfortunately, I was no longer serving in a church role where I had the authority to officiate a marriage, but I was able to make arrangements for someone else to perform his marriage and I consider it a great honor since I had made the decision to expell him that Randy would even consider me.

While what happened with "Randy" is unusual, the expulsion for Greg (not his real name) and the subsequent events related to him seem like something from the Far Side; and therefore is worth the telling if only to make the point that people can change - and I mean really change.  I can't even remember the reason for the expulsion hearing, but it was evident Greg had a temper that could really get him in trouble.  It was what happened after he was expelled that makes him so memorable.  He threw a brick through the front window of the administrator who brought him to the hearing and then he used his pellet gun to shoot holes in the glass panel by our front door (see the pictures below) and our upstairs attic windows.  He also tried to shoot and break our front yard light bulbs, but they were constructed of heavy duty plastic so there was little damage.  Following this attack we took our address out of the phone book to avoid future problems from expelled students, but I remembered Greg because he knew where I lived and he got to me and my family.

Three years later I read about a shoot out between Greg and the police in a neighboring town.  No one was hurt, but gun shots were exchanged, resulting in Greg being arrested and locked up.  About 15 years later I met an individual who worked for the Oregon Parole and Probation Board, and so I asked about Greg, because I was concerned that he knew where we lived and felt he could be dangerous.  A short time later the person got back to me with the information that Greg had served his time and been released, and was somewhere out in the community, but there was no record where.  I didn't find that information very reassuring.

About a year later, there was a middle school student with the same last name as Greg who was making serious threats in the area.  Since I was on the county Student Threat Assessment Team, I was a part of the discussion and decision regarding what to do with this student.  He was required to meet with a mental health counselor and I asked the counselor to find out whether the student was in any way connected to Greg, and if so, where was Greg.  A couple week later the counselor reported back to the Student Threat Assessment Team and told me the student lived with a step-dad, but Greg (the one who shot at my house) was indeed a very close relative and he was back in town.  The counselor said that perhaps I had seen Greg because he was the person who stands on the overpass in town in a robe and a sign that either says REPENT or Jesus Loves You.

I have attached photos above of our front window that Greg shot and also of the new, improved Greg below.  It just goes to show that people really can change.  Can't you just feel the love?

Who Is This Woman?

The following link => photographs of Kristie provides a chronological view of Kristie's life.  You would think that after four decades of knowing Kristie and living with her for the last 39 years as her husband that I would be well acquainted with who she is and have some concept of her identity.  There are events and concepts, however, that have caused me to look at Kristie and what has occurred in her life in a new light and wonder, "who is this woman?"

This new perception or viewpoint has to do with what is termed "the mysteries of the kingdom".  I concur with Carlfred Broderick's assertion that, "I think we do not understand the nature of ourselves.  I think we do not understand who we are.  Some people call the temple ordinances the 'mysteries' of the kingdom.  When I went to the temple, I thought I was going to learn which star was Kolob, where the Ten Tribes were, and other such information.  But those aren't the mysteries of the kingdom; the mysteries of the kingdom are who we are, and who God is, and what our relationship to Him is.  Those are the mysteries of the kingdom.  You can tell somebody in plain English, but they still don't know in their hearts who they really are."

So it is with Kristie.  My new perspective and respect for her are rooted in the unique LDS tenets that - First, we all lived with a loving Heavenly Father as His spirit children prior to this earth life; Second, we were each endowed with free will and were empowered to use it in the preexistence realm; Third, God respects our agency and does not work by force; Fourth, adversity is essential to our eternal progression because without an opposition in all things, righteousness cannot be brought to pass; and Fifth, marriage and family bonds can be eternal and bring their greatest joy after this life.  These fundamental beliefs have caused me to wonder "who is this woman to whom I am sealed; that in the preexistence she would willingly choose or acquiesce to come to earth knowing that it was her mission to experience sexual abuse as a child and now Alzheimer's - but bravely volunteering nevertheless to endure such?"  

President Joseph F. Smith stated, "He that sent His Only Begotten Son into the world to accomplish the mission which He did, also sent every soul within the sound of my voice, and indeed every man and woman in the world, to accomplish a mission."  While I am aware of Kristie's shortcomings and realize that she was far from perfect, it is being to dawn on me that perhaps I have greatly under-estimated the woman who I married and the significance of her mission on earth.  She has been a remarkable example of unconditional love and how to use humor to ease the troubles and burdens of life.  I marvel at how trusting she has been of me as Alzheimer's has diminished her vitality and acumen.  I only hope that I am as trusting of the Lord and consider the effort to care for her more of an honor than a burden.

Our "Little" Courtship - The Reel Story

The forces that drew Kristie and me together really began more than 60 years ago with two people we have never met - Jim and Phyllis Little.  It was about 1950 that they dated and eventually married while attending BYU.  I am not certain whether it is factual or simply hearsay that she was the homecoming queen and he was the most preferred man, but this much I do know - their children were remarkably good looking.  In the spring of 1972 I was impressed with their daughter Ann and asked her to attend a performance on campus.  I got the feeling that she was either shy or not interested in me.  However, at the end of the school year, she approached me and explained she had an older brother, Jim, who would be returning from his mission during the summer and she wondered if he could room with me in the fall, to which I agreed.

I returned to BYU in the fall of 1972 after spending my fourth summer working for the U.S. Forest Service as a fire lookout in the Blue Mountains of Oregon.  It was convenient living right across the street from campus by the BYU tennis courts.  I remember we often listened to Neil Young's "Harvest" album on our roommate Jerry Hatfield's new stereo system.  Jim Little turned out to be a great roommate, but it was evident that he was just off his mission and still adjusting to civilian life.  On Sunday we attended our new student Ward in the old BYU alumni building.

Did I mention that Jim and Phyllis Little had good looking children?  Well, this fact was not wasted on one Kristie Neilson.  She was so impressed that first Sunday that she asked her roommate, Debbie, who was the Relief Society President in our student ward (and would marry my roommate Jerry before the beginning of the winter semester) to make certain their apartment was assigned to the same Family Home Evening Group as Jim Little.  It is rather amazing how Ann and Jim Little would be the catalysts for Kristie and I to become acquainted.  

The Bishop of our student ward also deserves some credit because he was the one who actually arranged for us to meet by calling us to serve as family group parents for time and, as it turned out, all eternity - the details of which are included in my posting "Our Arranged Marriage".  While waiting in the old BYU alumni building for an appointment with Bishop Nance, I started a conversation with a girl named Kristie.  She said she thought she knew why we were there because her roommate was the Relief Society President and said that she (Kristie) and I were to be called as BYU family group parents.  Kristie stated that she was really nervous about this calling, to which I replied that I had been a family father before and there was no need to worry.  I remember thinking Kristie was cute, but she was young, inexperienced and from Idaho (never mind the fact that I also was from Idaho); and therefore not someone in whom I would be interested.  At the time I was dating someone and we often wore our matching bush pants and waffle stomper shoes to family group prayer in the beautiful home where Kristie and Debbie lived.

About three weeks later, Jim and I were walking on campus by the BYU President's house as Kristie drove by in her little VW bug she called Toklet. We were able to whistle her down and asked for a ride.  She was with her friend Renee and they both laughed because the entire back seat was completely covered with trash.  We push it aside as much as possible and Kristie drove us home.  It was unforgettable because of all the trash.

It was my sense that while the girl I was dating seemed to like me, I really hadn't swept her off her feet.  I remember attending a football game where we didn't have that much fun together, but afterwards Jim Little could not quit laughing and talking about how much fun he had with Kristie at the game.  Shortly thereafter, the girl I had been dating and myself discussed whether we should date other people.  I remember fasting and then sitting by the Provo Temple as we talked it over.  I asked her what she thought about dating others and she said it was up to me.  I thought, well that confirms the notion that she really isn't crazy about me because she is okay with dating others.  The importance of that impression and decision cannot be overlooked.

I determined to ask out other girls, including a brunette (Kristie) and a blonde in our ward.  Because Jim had gone out with Kristie, I knew that I had to work it out with him so there wouldn’t be any hard feelings.  I didn't think this would be a problem since he was just home from his mission and so I approached him with “Do you have any intentions of getting serious with Kristie?”.  He of course had no plans to get serious with anyone and was okay with me dating her.  Shortly after this I went home for Thanksgiving vacation and received a blessing from my father, wherein he spoke about how difficult, discouraging and depressing a marriage could be, but he then added that it would not be 1/100th of the joy that would be experienced for those who are faithful to their vows of marriage in the eternities.

Upon returning to school I asked Kristie to a basketball game to watch Kresimer Cosic in the Marriot Center, and I was planning to ask out the other blonde girl the following week.  We had fun at the basketball game, but strangely I was now intimidated by Kristie and felt that she really was too cool for me; after all I was only a farm boy from Idaho.  I remember we got something to eat and were talking in my car under the Dee’s drive-in clown.  Because I thought Kristie was too good for me, I told her that I would like to set her up with a friend of mine (Ron, who was also from Idaho, but he was a year older and I thought more impressive than me); to which she said “That's too bad, because I could be interested in you.”  As noteworthy as what she said, her touching me on the arm with her finger was unforgettable.  

I don't know what it is like to take drugs, but those words and her touch really set my brain on fire. To use a fishing metaphor (that any Neilson would understand and appreciate), she hooked me after our first date.  After taking Kristie home, I went back the apartment and found a record album that my roommate Jerry had borrowed from the Y student center by the group Bread.  I put on headphones so I wouldn't bother anyone else and listened to the song “Look What You've Done”.  It includes the lines, "Look, look, look what you've, done.  You have taken the best of me, now come take the rest of me; finish what you have begun."  I played it ten or twelve times thinking about what Kristie said.  All she had to do was reel me in.  It's almost like you can hear the sound of the fishing reel 'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...' as I took the bait and was flopping back and forth with the hook deeply imbedded in my mouth.  I soon realized my happiness was inexorably connected with hers, but maybe that was just a manifestation of how much I internalized the hook.  Playing that song over and over while remembering what she said was enough to kindle an unquenchable fire that has continued to burn all these years.

Life's Roles

One assumes a great variety of roles while trudging along the path of life.  These roles are assigned or taken on within our families, church, community and occupations.  Some roles, like being the youngest sibling or a grandparent are pleasant; while others, like being an expulsion officer or the complaint department for a public school district, can be arduous.   Among my most favorite roles were forest service fire lookout, public school teacher, software programmer, father and husband.  My least favorite  would include milking cows in the winter, factory work on the graveyard shift, and being a husband during a quarrel with a very articulate wife.

It is amazing how our roles define us and to a large measure influence the stress and level of happiness or sadness we experience.  Kristie's Alzheimer's has provided me with an opportunity to become a caregiver.  I applaud those who voluntarily choose to be caregivers and hope that I can assimilate some of their enthusiasm and dedication while striving to maximize the well-being of my wife.  

The following link => http://www.caregiverresource.net/radio_programs  is to an interview that I gave on Male Caregiving - it's episode 21 for anyone who is interested.  Somehow I seriously doubt this topic will become an Internet sensation.

I have also posted my views on how my faith has influenced my perspective on taking care of my wife at => http://mormon.org/me/8F0Q/Wayne/. What a remarkable difference it makes when one believes in a pre-earthly existence and the eternal nature of families and marriage - especially when confronted with severe disappointments in life.  Rather than feeling like a victim and either giving up or being overwhelmed with depression, these beliefs provide motivation to maintain and improve vital marital and family relationships that will exist and only come to full fruition after this life.

I take great courage from my own father's description of the spirit world.  He had a near death experience shortly before he died - only three weeks before he would have turned 100.  Among the things that impressed him most were how beautiful the women were there.  It made quite an impression on him because it wasn't his nature to comment on something like that.  This has given me pause to consider my wife in that realm and to want to be worthy of her love and trust.  I consider my care giving here to actually be courting for her there.